Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires
Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires
By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers
Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no,
"
Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour
The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and entirely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm
A
three-flooring Casino du Caliphate
The
Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation
A
Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")
As well as a
nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."
Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But yes, positive, let's have Yet another area wherever American Adult men can have on robes and call it diplomacy."
In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, obviously."
Ceasefire by Cabana
U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although earlier negotiations failed less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler:
As outlined by files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains
Ceasefires brokered by towel boys
Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders
A
VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.
"This is certainly delicate ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock needs less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."
Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming
Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual device. The
Meanwhile,
Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping
Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping forms a giant Trump head seen from Room, a function currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents plus the chin is… perfectly, classified.
Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits right after acquiring the developing's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.
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The Melania Wing and also other Perplexing Functions
Perhaps the strangest factor from the tower is its
A
silent atrium where company might contemplate obscure disappointment
A
reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather control set to "distant"
A
museum of expressions , which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.
Local Syrians are unsure what to produce of the. "
Marketing System: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Come"
The
"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is For good."
A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:
"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."
Community reception is wildly divided. A latest
34% say "it might stabilize the region"
29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"
18% stated "where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"
Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"
The challenge is presently attracting attention from Global investors, together with:
A
Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister
The
Russian Guild of Oligarchs
And an
nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."
In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level may even involve:
A
Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances
A
Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'
And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War
Comment Area Chaos
Over the Trump Tower Damascus https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, user
"Won't be able to hold out to view a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."
Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:
"At last, a lodge where my PTSD can have change-down provider."
A different article from
"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"
Diplomatic Domino Influence
U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a
China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad
Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk
And
Elon Musk has allegedly made available to make a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.
Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."
Final Feelings from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™
In a very closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:
"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You are welcome."